Feather Light
by Wandering Dawn
Summary: Don't eat: Stay strong: Tiny bites: Tiny waist: I don't need to eat. I will stay skinny. I will stay in control. LilyTeddy
1. Chapter 1

**AN; i know i should be working on furry silver lining, the truth is, i have just lost the inspiration for fluffy stories, so i am ging to write this one instead with alot more angst. i hope you love it :) anything underlined is supposed to be struck out but you can't do that on here so i had to underline it instead. please don't read if anorexia affects/offends you, i don't want to trigger anyone in recovery or offend anyone. please no flames either, this is an issue close to my heart and i want to write about it to let go of my own frustrations. **

**please review!**

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><p>Daddy isn't around anymore. He hardly ever comes home now. He says he's too busy at work. Mummy believes him. I know better. <span>He doesn't love her.<span> He doesn't love(s) us. I heard him one night when I went to his office.

_Breathing. Heavy breathing. _

Mum had asked me to go find him, ask him if he was coming home that night. No one else was in the auror office. No one but him. And her.

_Moaning. Breathing. Moaning. _

He says he stays at work. He says he has lots of missions to go on. Uncle Ron covers for him. I'm never sure why. He had an affair with a man. He always covers for him. He tells Mummy what she wants to hear. Maybe it's because she's his little sister. Daddy threatened to tell the family. I heard them talking one night.

I love Daddy and Mummy but I wish they would just admit what's going on. I'm pretty sure mummy isn't as naive as she makes out. I wish they would just get a divorce. I wish they would stop putting us all through hell.

I wish I wasn't ill.

I wish I didn't have to depend on the bathroom scales. On the mirror. On the toilet.

No, I'm not ill. I'm strong. I am skinny. I am my bones are beautiful. I know Teddy loves them too. The way his fingers dance over the bones. The way his lips ghost over my throat and collar. The way he can pick me up as though I was a feather. He loves that I'm not fat. He loves my bones. He loves the gap between my thighs. He loves that I'm cheap to take out. I never eat. He only has to pay for the water. Bottled. As always. I refused to have water infused with the dirty copper of the pipe it came from. I refuse to pollute my body with anything but the tiny amount of vitamins in the water. 0 calories. **Light. As. A. Feather.** I will always be light as a feather. So light I could fly.

I told Teddy once that I wanted to fly. He told me it's impossible without a broom. I told him I'd prove him wrong. I will be weightless. I will defy gravity. I will fly. Higher than the clouds, the sun and the moon. I want to be so light I can dance through the air, twirling, climbing, jumping. Dancing.

_Heavy breathing. Moaning. Breathing. _

I want to be able to fly so high I wouldn't have to stare at Mummy's face and lie to her. I wouldn't have to tell her that Daddy is just working late. I wouldn't have to tell her that I don't know where he is. I wouldn't have to tell her that I didn't find him when she sent me to. I wouldn't have to see the hurt in her eyes when she had to throw away his dinner. Again.

_He told me not to tell. _

Teddy doesn't know either. He cuddled me until I had stopped crying. He asked me what was wrong. I told him that it was nothing. He wouldn't give it up so I lied. I had become good at that lately. Lying. I lied about dad. I lied about weight. I lied about caring. I lied about everything. To everyone. Including my boyfriend who was nothing but worried for me. I. Just. Lied.

_He told me not to whisper anything. To anyone. _

"Lily! Dinner time!" mum shouted from downstairs. My hands started to clam up as I slowly descended the stairs, trying to delay the **family meal time**.

_Don't tell._

:Don't eat: Stay strong: Tiny bites: Tiny waist:

Dinner was a full family affair in our house. Tonight we had Mum's brothers and their wives and offspring around Teddy was here too, sat in the seat next to what was usually mine. I loved these family events. It was easy to relax and not be noticed to be eating a small amount. Unless you were sat next to Grandma Molly. But that was fine because she was sat with Uncle George at the other end of the table talking about how Fred II was getting married in the fall. Uncle George was bored, I could tell. But he wouldn't dare say no to Grandma. Not since Fred I died.

I took a small bread roll, two scoops of salad and a small spoonful of rice. Carbs are bad. Carbs make you bloat. But one scoop will fool the family. I have been vegan for almost a year now. They eat less calories that omnivores. And my family don't question why I pile my plate high with salad and no dressing. I say no to the potatoes, claiming mum cooked them in beef dripping. The rice sits at the twelve o'clock position on my plate. The roll at nine and the salad at three to six. A sizeable gap between them all. I wait for the conversation to start up between those around me before eating some of the lettuce (8 per cup) and a couple of cherry tomatoes (6). I periodically spread the rice around on my plate, making it look like I had eaten some. I eat half of my roll, no butter (50) and sneak the other half under the table to the dog brought over by Louis. I finish the salad, leaving a couple of leaves to cover some rice, (20) and then put my knife and fork at the five o'clock position on my plate. Just to be polite.

Total calories of my meal; 83. I chug my water quickly, making myself feel like I am full. I'm never full. Empty is good. Empty is strong.

I need to eat.

I won't eat.

Healthy won't make me gain weight

Calories are bad

I need food.

I will be like a feather. I will defy gravity. I will not make footprints in the sand or snow.

Skinny is weak.

Skinny is strong.

I am strong. I will always stay strong.

_Don't breathe a word, not a sound to anyone. She is too happy to know. _

Dad isn't here as per usual. He said he was called in on an unavoidable emergency. He said he was sorry. He isn't sorry. Mum made the excuse to the family and now they're all happily talking, bantering back and forth. I stare at Lucy. She stares back, nodding slightly as if to tell me she was successful. I nod back letting her know I also stayed in control.

**Skinny sisters to the end. **


	2. Chapter 2

**I decided to carry this on because I really liked the story line and I think it's good to make people aware of the dangers that surround this issue. Again, if numbers or anorexia triggers you, please please please don't read this. I would also like to note that i'm not endorsing anorexic behavior AT ALL and I hope that anyone in this situation would seek help because it's a serious issue. **

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><p>I closed my eyes and took a deep breath before staring down at the scales I was stood on. 100lbs. Five pounds lost since my last official weigh in, two weeks ago. I felt a small sense of disappointment. I had hoped to lose more than that. But at the same time, I was 1lb off my first goal weight. 1lb. 10lbs off my ultimate goal weight. Off perfection. Off a BMI of 15. No longer will people be able to look at me and be disgusted by my fat roles. They will only be jealous of my hip bones. My concave stomach. My collar bones. Teddy will take one look at me and smile, pulling me in close and picking me up, carrying me to the bedroom. His face will no longer look disgusted when he sees me naked. He will not grimace when he looks me up and down. He will only smile and look at me with love and admiration. <span>I'm doing this for you Teddy. <span>

"Lily? Are you okay in there?" Teddy's voice floated through the locked bathroom door. In a panic I quickly vanished the scales before opening the door with a wide smile dressed only in my skimpy lacy underwear. I didn't say anything, just watched his eyes rake over my body slowly, his face set in a slight frown. My brow furrows as I watch his facial expression.

"What?" I can feel the strength leaving my voice in that one word. He finds me repulsive.

**Not. Skinny. Enough. **

His head slowly moves from side to side. "You're just looking a little... ill... are you okay?"

"I'm fine," I smile confidently. So fucking hungry. I slowly take a step towards him, ignoring the protest from my sore muscles after my morning run. "I do, however, want to give you a good morning present."

Stepping away from me Teddy frowned even harder. "No, Lil. We need to talk." Oh god. He finds me repulsive. He's going to break up with me. I shiver as tears well up in my eyes. I know he sees this. He wraps me up in his arms and holds me close to his chest. "Hey, it's nothing bad, I promise." **He's lying. I can hear it in his voice.**

He shakes out of his jacket and wraps it around me as I begin to shiver more violently. Always stay cold, it makes your body work harder. It makes you use more calories to get warm. He kissed my head, taking me to my bedroom. He handed me a slice of toast. Dripping with butter. (135) It would seep through my veins. Blocking them. Making my insides impure, dripping with fat. Melted fat that will eventually congeal into the hard yellow putrid jelly that sticks to my bones. My beautiful pure bones.

I shake my head at him. "I'm not hungry," I mutter. So hungry it's unbelievable. 

Teddy sighs putting it back on the plate. Something is wrong. Usually he'd eat it. "Lily, are you okay? Is there something bothering you?"

_Moaning. _

"It's just that you're not eating much lately..."

_Heavy breathing. _

"...And I'm getting worried. You're looking so thin..."

_Don't tell a soul. Don't breathe a word. _

"And ill. Please tell me what's wrong with you baby?"

I'm hungry. I'm starving. I'm cold. I'm tired. 

:Don't Tell: Tiny Bites, tiny Waist: Don't Eat:

"Nothing is wrong, Teddy. Why do you say that?" **Lies. **Told you I was good at lying. I set my face into an innocent expression as I attempt to take his mind away from me by running my hand up his thigh. Master of deception. 

_Lying. Deceiving. Moaning. Breathing. _

His eyes close and I smile to myself. I was succeeding. Until he pushed my hand away. "You know I love you, Lily. I can see straight through you." But you don't really know what's going on. You don't know how empty I am. 

I shake my head. "Nothing is going on." I reach for the toast just to prove it and throw him off scent. (135) I took a bit out of it. Buttery goodness exploded in my mouth. It was like all my tastebuds came alive, begging for more, begging for food. I knew it was dairy free, my family has always been accommodating to my beliefs restrictive behaviors. That's what I loved about my family, they were so supportive of one another.

_Don't tell a soul. Lie. Deceive. _

It's why mum refuses to get a divorce. She hates the attention. 

Sighing Teddy gave up and ate the other slice of toast. Damn it. Thank god.

:Tiny bites, tiny waist: Don't eat: Light as a feather:

Finishing my toast I turned back to Teddy. Running my hand back up his thigh I smiled brightly before leaning in and giving him a kiss. I knew exactly how to burn off those extra calories. It's no longer about love. And I knew a very sexy man who could help me do it. 10lbs. Teddy could help me lose 10lbs. I just needed to make sure I didn't crush him to begin with. I tugged on his shirt to roll him over so he was on top of me I no longer have the strength to pull him down and sensually kissed his lips. "Now about that morning present," I said huskily when he pulled back. Teddy grinned mischievously before removing his clothes.

I'll burn 140 calories in half an hour. Total calorie count for the day so far 135 – 140- 300 for my run equals minus 305 calories. 3500 calories makes up a pound of fat. I need to burn another 700 calories in order to hit my 2lb goal this week. 1000 calorie deficit per day.

I hope mum doesn't expect me for dinner tonight...

Maybe I could purge.

It's bad for your electrolytes. 

That way I'll be empty.

Your teeth will rot. 

10lbs.

Teddy won't like you with no teeth. 

I'll be skinny.

You'll be dead. 

I'd float to the heavens.

**I'd be perfect**.

**Light. As. A. Feather. **

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><p><strong>AN: as always please review :)<br>**


	3. Chapter 3

** AN; **As always, underlined needs to be read as struck out :) Same warnings apply,** Please don't take the behavior from this chapter and apply it. It's dangerous stuff and will seriously mess you up. **I'm not writing this to hand out tips to lose weight, I'm writing about something that I've experienced and to head warning/raise awareness. Take care lovelies xo xo reviews are appreciated.

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><p>I like when Lucy and I get together. There is no pressure. No wall. Nothing between us. We get to be ourselves for the few hours we are together. Gym dates are our usual preference but every once in a while we'd go to muggle London to shop around for something new to wear. <span>Goal clothes<span>. Today she introduced me to a new muggle drink. Red Bull. Sugar free. Of course. Less calories.

"It's great, it's got caffine and B-vitamins that will help your health and keep you powered all day. Trust me, after one of these babies you'll be so much less prone to binging because you'll not feel the need for food. You won't be craving energy," she says as she chugs a can f her own whilst washing down her multi-vitamin. Another thing she introduced me too. Keeps you healthy without the need for food. Too bad it doesn't contain proteins too... I'd never need food. But protein shakes are 120 calories per shake. I'd rather not consume the calories. Even if it keeps me healthy. Lucy offers me a sip of the energy drink and I take it hesitantly. I've not been able to hold down much but water recently. I purged it. Everything. 

The cold liquid runs down my throat like a breath of fresh air. The taste slightly fruity and sweet but easy enough to go down. I can practically feel it pumping through my stomach, absorbing into my veins and pumping around my body. The effect is almost instant after consuming nothing but water for the past week. I was left feeling slightly queasy but also slightly buzzed at the thought of a sugar rush without the sugar. Lucy could be onto something here.

She also hands me a multi-vitamin. "Trust me, you don't want you hair falling out. Teddy especially will notice since he's around you all the time."

My eyes widen slightly. Of course I had noticed my hair falling out a little more frequently recently but I didn't realise it was because of that. I thought it was down to stress of trying to hide the food from my family. I take it from her and down it with the last of the energy drink. "Thanks, Luce." She nods her head smiling at the nickname I had given her when I was younger.

"So what are you down to now?" she asks with curiosity on her face. "You look good."

No I don't I look like shit. I'm ugly. "98 pounds now," I say with triumph in my voice. **Still. Not. Good. Enough. **

"Lil, that's great! I'm down to 89 pounds now." I instantly feel jealousy at these words. Lucy had the perfect figure. She was so pretty and skinny and you could easily wrap your whole hand around her wrist with extra left over. I was so jealous. She was tall and incredibly skinny. I wish I was as tall as her.In reality she's only two inches taller than me. But instead I got the famous Weasley dumpy legs that are like tree stumps and so incredibly short. I'm 5"2. I need to lose more weight off my legs to make them look longer. Desperately.

I look again at the empty Red Bull can in my hand. "Where can I buy these?" I ask her, not replying to her obvious attempt to be the winner in this competition with me. She grins and takes my hand pulling me with her into the nearest muggle supermarket where we buy a whole crate of them. 24 cans = 24 days of no eating. She also takes me to get some vitamins. I leave the store very happy with my purchases and shrink the bag to fit inside my purse so that Teddy doesn't see them. No one else would notice them anyway. 

By the time I get home it's well after seven o'clock and I am able to tell mum that I'd already eaten so there was no point in putting a place for me at the dinner table. i have founf this to be the most effective strategy for not eating on a night. The other times I've told her I wasn't feeling well, or I would pretend I was asleep. I know how much mum hates to disturb me when I sleep, especially since Teddy let on I wasn't sleeping well lately. I wish he'd realise I was doing crunches in the bathroom. I also get up very early in the morning to go for a run down the beach that is near our house. This has been routine for years since I was in the Slytherin quidditch team.

_No one spoke to me for weeks after that. They hated me. _

_I was a traitor. A rival. A cheater. _

_Just like dad. _

_Traitor, cheater, traitor, cheater. _

Mum started a new diet this week. She thinks it will help get dad interested again. Hate to tell you mum, but he's more interested in the blonde he had bent over his desk. She got it from Witch Weekly. It's supposed to help you lose 10lbs in 10 days. It's a muggle diet called juicing. I have already done this diet of course, I know it doesn't work as well as it claims. The only way to lose that much weight that fast is by water and only water. Mum isn't even fat. In fact, she's very beautiful and slim considering her age. Dad is being stupid for refusing her. I've always envied mum. Everyone tells me I look like her but I don't think I do. She's beautiful, I'm disgusting. My hair is the wrong shade of ginger, my eyes are the wrong shape and they're a murky brown colour not like her chocolate eyes with gold flecks in them that could instantly make you feel calm. Not to mention the comfort of her arms. She hasn't held me ever since dad became distant. I would kill for her to hold me again. 

_Cheater, cheater, cheater, CHEATER, CHEATER!_

At night Teddy holds me, sometimes. He has a habit of being a restless sleeper. He will start off holding me, but soon he'll have turned to the other side of the bed putting a large distance between us and making me feel cold again. That's the trouble with eating disorders. Constant cold and numbness. I always miss his arms when he rolls away but I know it's not his fault, he's always slept like that. Ass. That's how we've ended up tonight, me on my side of the bed shivering because it's so cold in the room and him at the other end of the bed shifting every few minutes. Slowly I creep out of bed and into the bathroom to do the nightly routine. 200 situps, 100 squats, 100 pushups.

**I will stay skinny. I will lose more. I will beat Lucy. **


	4. Chapter 4

Hiding food is becoming one of my specialties. I have containers under my bed which I use to put the food in and hide it until I can take it out to the bin. The mark of a good anorexic is to not get caught. We don't really eat together as a family anymore so it makes it so much easier for me to hide my food. When Teddy is over I relent to eat salad. No dressing. Just a plain garden salad. 30 calories a bowl. We eat together in my room away from the rest of the family. I can't stand James and Al's bickering or mum's hopeful face as she waits for dad. When I get up to go for my morning run I often stage a bowl on the side with a few rice krispies in the bottom and a little rice milk, mixing them around until they stick to the sides of the bowl. I'd lick the spoon and leave it there for someone to find. They'd think I'd eaten.

I can get away with this for days. Sometimes even weeks. It's easy when you know how. I haven't eaten more than 200 calories for 4 weeks now. Not since the family dinner. I think Teddy is cottoning on though. He wants to take me out to dinner tonight. Italian. He'll want me to have pizza (800) or pasta (600-1200) so that we can share. But I know a way around that. Vegan is hard in an Italian restaurant. Everything has cheese. I think sometimes he forgets I'm vegan now. He wants me to eat properly. I will be able to get away with salad. Hopefully. If there isn't a Neapolitan pasta on offer. Though knowing Teddy he'll have revised the menu online already for something for me to eat. I hope he hasn't. I hope he forgot again.

Pasta sounds good. 

So freaking hungry. 

Think of the calories. Think of the goal.

I take a deep breath and start counting in my little ritual. I count from where I started when I began this, to my goal weight. To remind myself what will happen if I eat.

140,139,138,137,136,135,134,133,132,131,130.

I don't want food. I want to be skinny.

129,128,127,126,125,124,123,122,121,120.

Light as a feather. Light enough to fly. Soar.

119,118,117,116,115,114,113,112,111,110.

I don't want to leave footprints in the snow.

109,108,107,106,105,104,103,102,101,100.

Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.

99,98,97,96,95,94,93,92,91,90,89,88,87,86,85,84,483,82,81,80.

Almost there. Don't give up now.

I feel hands on my waist, breaking me from my mantra. I giggle and spin around to face Teddy. He leans down and gives me a soft kiss on the lips. "Hey, how are you?" he asks softly, laying down beside me on my bed.

Smiling I reply, "It was okay, bring without you to keep me company. How was work?" Teddy shrugs in reply. He begins to say something else until I notice the box I had pulled from under my bed to pour my soup into. And it was still there.

Shit.

Don't get caught. Don't get caught. Be subtle. Think of a way to make him leave. Distract him. Don't let him look.

Fingers clicking in front of my face grab my attention. "Earth to Lily?" I then see his eyes dart over to the box I was staring at in horror. He turns to me curiously. "What's in the box?" Double shit.

Food so much food. I need help. I'm sick. Help me eat. 

I shake my head. "Nothing. Just something I forgot to put away. If mum sees it she'll kill me." This is partly true. She'd look in it. See lunches from three days ago stuffed in there because I couldn't bring myself to eat a 90 calorie packet of soup. I quickly get up and put it in the bathroom, under the towels in the linen closet. Shrunk to miniscule size so Teddy won't find it. Oh god I hope he doesn't find it. I walk back to him to see a worried expression adorning his usually relaxed face. This has been happening often lately. **Gotta get better at hiding things. **"So where are you taking me tonight?" I ask with a smile on my face as I crawl up the bed towards him.

"Actually change of plans, we're going to my flat for a change so that I can cook for you. We haven't been properly alone in a while and I kind of miss my flat whilst I'm here with you almost every night." I feel bad keeping Teddy away from his real home. I mean, he grew up in this house with my dad being his god father and all, but he had already moved out by the time I was old enough to even go to Hogwarts.

I smile deviously as a thought comes to mind. "Fine, I'll go to the flat with you if you cook naked. We'll impose a no clothes rule." Teddy raises his eyebrow in amusement.

"So I'll be a naked chef?" I nod with a smirk on my face. "Fine, so long as you stick to the rule too." I give him a 'duh' look before getting off my bed and donning a pair of short shorts and a tank top (both size 2 ) along with a pair of converse trainers. Apparently they're a huge muggle brand according to Lucy who bought me them for my birthday. Tucking my wand in my back pocket I grab his hand and pull him towards me. He smiles and kisses me softly before apparating us both away to his flat.

A couple of hours later we're both standing in the kitchen in nothing but our underwear and I'm sat upon the counter watching Teddy cook. "What are you cooking again?" I ask, attempting to hide the nervousness in my voice as I watching him put a large scoop of butter in a pan to melt with some garlic and oil. There is also a pot of cream on the side. I dread to think of the calories and fat content. He's making me nervous.

"Creamy garlic mushrooms with gnocchi," he replies proudly. I smile at him softly. I would find a guy who loves to cook wouldn't I? To most girls that's a dream come true. To me it's a nightmare. I watch him add the mushrooms into the garlic butter mixture and stir it around as he drains the gnocchi. My eyes widen when I see how much there is. I feel my palms start to sweat and my heart rate begin to accellarate.

Calm down it's just one meal. 

Calories. Fat. Carbs.

Teddy wouldn't make me eat something bad for me.

Calories. Fat. Carbs.

He's gone to so much effort.

CALORIES. FAT. CARBS.

I try to block out the voices in my head, try to focus on Teddy. Just Teddy. I go to jump down from the counter to wrap my arms around him, but put my hand directly on the hot stove just after he had taken a pan from the heat. I scream in agony and pull my hand to my chest quickly. I stare at the angry red shiny skin.

I don't even know if that was an accident. 

Teddy rushes over and pulls me to the sink where he sticks my hand under freezing cold water. It stings a little, but it's not half as bad as the turmoil in my head. I feel tears running down my face. Teddy mistakes them for the pain in my hand and caresses my hair softly, kissing the crown of my head as he holds my hand under the water.

I'm the worst girlfriend in history.

:Don't eat: Stay Skinny: Tiny Bites: Tiny Waist:

"There, good as new," he says putting his wand on the table and kissing my newly healed but still slightly tender skin. I look at him sadly.

"I'm sorry I ruined dinner," I say, referring to the burnt mess still on the now cold stove.

Teddy shakes his head. "It's okay, it was an accident." I'm not so sure. "Do you want me to put something else together?"

I shake my head. "Can we just go to bed and cuddle?" He looks at me searchingly for a moment, no doubt seeing the guilt and pain on my face still. Nodding he picks me up as though I am weightless and sets me down on the bed in the other room. Laying down beside me he wraps his arms around me tightly and kisses the top of my head again.

I don't deserve him.

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><p><strong>Please review? i seem to be getting less and less every time I update :(<strong>


	5. Chapter 5

**AN; So new warnings; cutting, suicidal themes, alcohol abuse. **

**Also, little relapse whilst i've been away and the behaviours here are 100% true of myself right now, apart from instead of cutting the word, i tend to write it on myself. (less people find out, though i did still cut.) Also told someone about it - so those feelings are pretty much true too. I showed my friend this story to try to explain things and i don't think she took it very well, she's been rather distant :( hence what brought on the relapse. I'm sorry if this is all over the place, just needed to get things out. and when i'm sad - my characters tend to be self-torturing. Sorry about that.  
><strong>

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><p>I don't deserve him. I don't deserve him. I don't deserve him.<p>

I have to keep telling myself over and over and over. I don't deserve him. It will keep me away from him. It will keep him safe. I'm not safe.

_Stupid. Fat. Ugly. Weak. Worthless. Fuck-up. _

I destroy everything I touch. I hurt everyone I come into contact with. Look at mum and dad. James and Fiona. Albus and Scorpius. I destroyed them all. I made them all fight. I made them all break up. Now I hurt Teddy. I swear I don't mean to. My family and Teddy are everything to me. Why do I always hurt everything I touch?

_Stupid. Fat. Ugly. Weak. Worthless. Fuck-up. _

I sit on my bed, curled into a ball with my hands on my head pushing against my pressure points, as if it would make the voices go away. The guilt, the sadness, the hurt, the longing. I can't long for him. I don't deserve him. I don't. I hurt him. All because he asked me what I'd eaten that day. I screamed at him. I screamed at him until I couldn't stop the words coming out of my mouth. My magic taking over my body. I don't remember much, until teddy screamed, the sharpest knife flying into his leg. I never meant to hurt him. I never wanted to hurt him. I don't understand what happened. But he's better off without me. They're all better off without me.

_Stupid. Fat. Ugly. Weak. Worthless. Fuck-up. _

I walk into my bathroom and find the blade I hid from everyone. I had been quite a while without cutting but now I deserved it. I didn't deserve to be clean, happy, perfect. I didn't deserve to not feel pain. I run it across my skin, enjoying the sting it brought with it as the red liquid ran down my arm. A sadistic smile came upon my face as I did it again diagonally away from the other, enjoying the warm sticky feeling on my broken skin. **That's for Teddy. For the pain I caused him. That's for secrets and lies. That's for** **being such a screw up. **

_Stupid. Fat. Ugly. Weak. Worthless. Fuck-up. _

Before I realised it I had carved the word worthless into my skin because that's what I was. Worthless. I didn't deserve anything and the scars on my arm will remind me of that. Nothing but worthless psychotic bitch.

I fall to the floor, curling back into the ball I was in earlier and put my head in my hands, crying my tears out. Someone told me once that I was a pretty crier. That I still looked beautiful when I was sad. I didn't believe them. I've never been pretty. Not once. Not ever. I summoned the bottle of firewhiskey to me before capping the bottle and taking a large swig out of it, ignoring the burn going down my throat. Alcohol numbed the pain. It helped. Taking a deep breath and putting the bottle on the floor I curled up again, ignoring the shaking starting up in my legs and hands. Not eating for three days and then consuming alcohol will do that to a person. But I didn't care. I didn't deserve to be happy or healthy or even just me.

Albus found me like that a few hours later. Half the whiskey was gone. I couldn't see straight. I could barely hold my head up. But his soft spoken voice broke through my thoughts as he sat against the bathtub beside me and pulled me into his embrace. "Lil, what are we to do with you?" I turned my head and began sobbing into his chest.

"I'm sorry, Al. I'm sorry I'm such a fuck up."

I could feel Albus sigh by the sharp intake and output of air in his chest. His arms wrapped a little tighter around my shoulders and waist before he kissed the top of my head. "You're not a fuck up, Lil."

"Yes I am! I hurt Teddy, I hurt you and James and mum. Dad doesn't even notice me, he only cares that I keep his secret, I destroy everything, Al."

I felt his hand begin to stroke through my hair. I winced knowing it had started falling out a few days ago. I had been neglecting my vitamins again, I didn't deserve to be healthy anyway. "Teddy is fine, he wanted to know how you were. He wants to see you." I shake my head desperately not wanting to face him. Not able to face him. "Don't worry, that's why I said I'd check up on you first. I knew you wouldn't want to see him. And for the record, you don't destroy everything you touch." I mumble a word that vaguely resembles Scorpius before Albus began to chuckle quietly. "You didn't ruin us, Lil. We're together, and we're happy. You throwing yourself at him the other day turned out to be a blessing in disguise. He proposed."

I looked up at him, attempting to clear away the fuzziness in my head and focus my eyes a little. "He, what?"

Albus just nodded. "Yep. Said he was sorry, that you weren't yourself and that he was planning on it for weeks. So really, you just sped things up a little. You didn't destroy us, Lil. You made us stronger. And by the way, throwing yourself at a gay man was probably the stupidest thing you've ever done."

"He's bi."

"He's male inclined. Now are you going to tell me why you broke up with Teddy instead of apologising."

"I don't deserve him. I never did. I'm too imperfect for him. He's perfect and I'm just... stupid and ugly and fat and I don't deserve him."

Albus sighs again before pulling me tighter into his arms again. "That isn't you talking, Lil. You know it isn't. You promised you'd try get better for me. You promised you'd stop listening to that voice."

I begin to sob again as I remember that conversation. Albus had caught me leant over the toilet a couple of months ago when he came over for a visit. He asked me what was going on and stupid little me spilled everything to him. It was like word vomit. I just couldn't keep it to myself any longer. I don't know what was wrong with me. I'd been so good at hiding it. I had begged him not to tell anyone. I had begged him to keep it a secret that I'd try to get better if he did. but the fact is, I don't want to get better. I don't want to be fat. I want to see my bones, I want to be perfect, I need to prove that I can be pretty and perfect and happy. For Teddy. So that I'm worthy of him.

"It's not that easy, Al."

"Here's something easy, talk to me. Don't reach for the liquor and don't carve degrading words into your skin."

I wince. I hadn't realised he'd noticed that. Crap.

_Stupid. Fat. Ugly. Weak. Worthless. Fuck-up. _

I shake my head. "I can't, Al."

"Talk to me or I'll tell Teddy."

"NO!" I shout, panic rising in my chest. "Al, no one can know! You shouldn't even know!"

"You think we can't tell, Lil? Mum may be oblivious to you wasting away but we're not. Teddy knows something is wrong, he can see that you're losing weight. For Christ sakes, Lil, he's an investigative healer. You don't think he can tell that his own girlfriend is starving herself?"

I snap. I can't help it, I just snap. I leap up, out of his arms and punch the wall. Hard. I feel a pain as my knuckles crack before I round on Albus, tears in my eyes. "IF EVERYONE CAN TELL WHY HASN'T ANYONE SAID ANYTHING? NOT TEDDY, NOT JAMES, NOT MUM OR DAD. I FEEL LIKE I'M ALONE RIGHT NOW, AL!"

Albus looks at me desperately. I know he wants to grab me, shake some sense into me but he can't. Nothing seems to get through my stupid thick skull. "You've never been alone, Lil. James doesn't know how to bring it up. Teddy is just trying to cope with it in his own way. He's trying to get you to eat properly. He doesn't know how to deal with the fact that you're hurting yourself. Hell, I don't know how to deal with this. We want to help you, Lil, but we can't unless you let us."

"Well lucky for Teddy I'm not his girlfriend anymore, he doesn't have to worry. I don't want your help damn it. I don't want you to look at me in pity! I'm not to be pitied I'm to be admired. You think this comes easily? Don't be so damn naive I've been strong enough to get to 95 pounds, I will keep being strong until I'm 85!"

Albus stands there with his mouth wide open. "95 pounds?" I nod slowly, realising too late that I've said too much. "Lily, you were 107 when I found you last month."

"Point?"

"My point is, if you keep going at this rate you're going to die! What's the point in being skinny if you're going to die?"

I shift uncomfortably from foot to foot. He doesn't realise that right in this moment I want to die. I don't want to live knowing that I've hurt everyone I love. Knowing that I've lied to them for months on end, knowing that I've done nothing but fuck up. He seems to realise what I'm thinking though as his face twists with pain before he turns and walks out of the bathroom. I can see his eyes glistening with tears as he goes. I can just hope that he doesn't say anything to anyone.

_Stupid. Fat. Ugly. Weak. Worthless. Fuck-up. _

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><p><strong>Review, please. I love you guys when you do :) <strong>

**Oh and someone asked for ages; Lucy is 16, Lily is 17 (fresh out of hogwarts), Teddy is 26/27**


	6. Chapter 6

**I'm sorry for the really short and really late chapter, but i've been going through my own stuff lately. You'll be happy to know that this is a turning point of sorts - when she finally realises how bad it's become.  
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**Please please please review? It makes me happy :)  
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><p>The throbbing in my hand became unbearable as I sat there on the bathroom floor. Tears ran down my cheeks, chasing one another until little rivers formed. I could see them in the mirror, glistening like little drop of crystal against my porcelain white skin. It was almost poetic to sit there concentrating on the tiny droplets making up similes and metaphors about them. Unfortunately, it wasn't helping to distract me from the pain in my hand. Instead I bang my head backwards against the wall over and over again, trying to generate enough pain to distract me. I remember once that Teddy told me I was a pretty crier. When I was younger he'd tell me that my tears told a story. Each and every one that fell was precious because they were my way of letting go of my pain.<p>

It had been so long since I really cried like this. The empty hollowness that had filled me previously didn't allow room for emotions and tears. It just swelled up so much that it felt as though I wasn't really there. The only things I could comprehend were anger and at times, love. But love is gone now. Gone with Teddy. I guess sadness has replaced that one happy emotion I had. My need to feel something other than anger at my family has finally taken a hold. Now I just feel sad. Pained. Yet still empty. I'm empty because I know that they'll never be able to give me what I want. They'll never be able to step away from their lives for a moment to realise that I need them. That I need help. Albus knew, he just didn't understand how deeply it ran. James knows, but he ignores it and pretends like nothing is going on.

I couldn't even process the fact that Teddy knew. He tried to make it better. He tried to help me without me knowing. But all I could see was a vindictive person who just wanted me to eat. Who couldn't accept the fact that I didn't want to get better. But that's a lie. I do want to get better. But I want them to notice me first. Sometimes I wonder, if I died, would they notice me then? Or would I just drift into the oblivion of their minds? Would I just become that daughter they had once but they can't really remember much about?

Contemplating this more tears began to slip out of my eyes as I banged my head particularly hard, black spots appearing in front of my eyes. I tried to do it again before a hand stopped me. I turned my head expecting Albus, only to find Teddy kneeling down beside me, a worried look on his face. A flicker of something akin to happiness rose inside me before it was gone, instantly replaced by painful images of what I did to him not a few days ago. Scrambling away I attempted to avoid his gaze. But he knew me better than I knew myself and instead slid down the wall beside me and took my hand before tapping it with his wand and healing it.

"Why are you doing that?" I whispered softly, brokenly . "Why are you here? You should hate me."

Teddy shook his head, a pained expression flickering across his face. "I could never hate you, Lil. I love you. Albus told me you were a mess. I couldn't just leave you alone. You needed me."

At these words I burst into a fresh wave of tears and turned to him, burying m head into his chest. At that moment in time, I could care less about the fat stuck to my stomach or my arms or my thighs. I was with Teddy. Everything else just melted away.

"Please," I begged. "Please don't leave."

Teddy shook his head wrapping his arms around me tightly. "Never." After a few moments I felt one arm slide under my legs and the other around my waist before being lifted into the air and carried back to my bedroom towards the bed. He laid me down gently, as though I was his most treasured possession and he was afraid to break me. Sitting beside me and stroking my hair made me feel like a little girl again. Dad used to do this to me when I had a nightmare. I wish he were here to help me out of my living nightmare now. But he hasn't noticed. Just like the rest of the grown ups.

"Lily, please tell me honestly, how much do you weigh right now?"

I bit my lip looking away from his pleading eyes. He couldn't know. I couldn't tell him. I was too ashamed. I hadn't reached my goal weight yet. I felt his fingers lightly grasp my chin, turning my head so that I was looking him dead in the eye. He gave me a calculating look for a moment and I realised too late that he was attempting to penetrate my mind. That must have been a new skill since he hadn't ever done it before. I broke eye contact quickly turning onto my side and resting my head against my arm. I knew he could see my fresh cuts but I couldn't bring myself to care. They were going to throw me in an institution anyway, why try hiding anything?

A soft sob broke out behind me as I stared at the wall, a new pain taking over my chest. I had never heard Teddy sob before. Not on the anniversary of his parent's death, not when I lashed out at him, not even when he found out that his cat had died in his fifth year. Sitting up I turned to face him, putting my hands either side of his face.

"I'm sorry," I whispered. "You deserve so much more than me."

I felt his arms wrap around me in an instant pulling me as tightly as he could to him. "You're so fucking stupid, you know that? It doesn't matter if I deserve more, I have you. I don't want more, Lil. I want you and I want you to get better."

I closed my eyes against yet another wave of tears. I had to be the strong one now, I had finally broken my rock by beating it down to a pulp and now I had to piece him back together. Wrapping my arms back around him I kissed his cheek softly. "I don't know how to get better."

"Let me help you."

I nod slowly, feeling his shoulders droop in relief and his arms tighten around me. Laying down on the bed he kisses my cheek and nose and forehead before pulling me as close as possible and resting his head atop mine. "Thankyou," I whisper softly just as I hear his breathing even out to indicate his sleeping.


	7. Chapter 7

**READ AT OWN RISK. WARNINGS APPLY IN THIS CHAPTER.  
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**recovery is incredibly hard to go through, especially if you're trying to do it on your own/with a partner. Its a horrible process, sometimes even worse than having the disorder itself. Everything ive written here is from my own experience so I would appreciate no flames please. The next few chapters will all be similar to this because, like I mentioned in the story, recovery doesn't take a few days. For some it takes YEARS. And it's incredibly hard to begin with.  
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**Anyway, I've had a truly terrible week, some reviews would really cheer me up :)  
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><p><em>Dear diary; <em>

_It's day one after I told Teddy I'd attempt to recover. I don't think that I can do it though. I just, I can't let go of my control over food. I genuinely don't think I can. How can I stop myself throwing everything up? How can I make myself eat it? I haven't eaten more than a fistful of food in six months. How can I stop the voices in my head that tell me that I'm a worthless failure? I really don't think I can. I don't want to let Teddy down. Or Al. But it's too much to even think about. I'm not sure I'll survive this. I'm not sure I'll come out the other side with everything in tact. Especially not Teddy. Please give me strength enough to do this. _

I stare at the plate of food that Teddy put in front of me ten minutes ago. I still haven't taken a bite. It's ironic, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches used to be my favourite as a child. I would eat them until the cows came home. yet now all I can think about is the calories and fat content. Bread (180 calories, 6g fat), Peanut butter (110 calories, 8g fat), Strawberry jam (60 calories, 2g fat). **Total; 350 calories, 16g fat.** This is more than I've eaten in a whole day in one sandwich. Add the banana and orange juice into it, **600 calories, 18g fat. **

**I can't do this. **

_Breathing. Heavy breathing. Moaning, shouting. _

I stare at Teddy pleadingly but he just stands there with a determined look in his eye that screams he means business. I wonder if he would let me off if I started crying? I have to do this. I promised him I would do this. Just for him. I have to do it. But all that fat sticking to my body. I take a deep breath and gingerly pick up the sandwich on the plate after cutting it into quarters. I know what I'm doing. I'm portioning. One quarter couldn't be too bad right? **88 calories, 4g fat. **I could do that. I wouldn't gain too much from that right? I'm still in control. I'll just eat one quarter. He'll be happy that I ate anything. Right?

Taking a small bite of it I could immediately feel my head filling up with thoughts.

_Breathing. Heavy breathing. **Fat. **Moaning. Lots of moaning. **Stupid. **Don't eat it! **Worthless. **Dad was bent over the table. **Bitch. **She was under him. **Pathetic. **He told me not to tell. **Idiot. **I couldn't tell. It would destroy mum. **LIAR! **_

I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I put the sandwich back down and took another deep breath before feeling them eventually begin to fall. Slamming my palm down on the table I began to cry harder. The flood gates had opened. I felt arms wrap around my shoulders and another chair being pulled up beside me. Turning my body around I collapsed into Teddy's chest, blubbering like a little baby. I couldn't help it. Even to me it looked pathetic that I couldn't even eat a damn quarter of a sandwich. It's a sandwich for crying out loud. Children as young as one eat sandwiches. Why can't I?

**_350 calories. 16g FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT. _**

Wrenching myself from Teddy's grip I slammed my fist into the table once again and grabbed a quarter of the sandwich, shoving it into my mouth and swallowing it practically whole. Like the little fat bitch I am. I felt sick. Instantly I felt sick. I turned back to Teddy and buried my face in his chest again, attempting to ignore the knee jerk reaction to run to the bathroom and purge it all. I was doing this for Teddy. All for Teddy. He wanted me to get better. I owed it to him to get better. I had to do it. For him.

**_Fat fat fat. 98, 99, 100, 101, 102, 103, 14, 105, 106, 107, 108, 109, 110. Keep going whale. _**

"Make it stop," I muttered into his chest.

"Make what stop, sweetheart?" he asked in a whisper, his lips near my ear, his hand running through my hair comfortingly.

"The voices. Please make them stop." I felt Teddy's hand still for a moment in my hair, before resuming it's stroking, but in a more rigid manor. Almost like he was trying to stop myself grabbing my head in his hand and giving it a good shake.

"What are they saying?" I shook my head, too ashamed to tell him. He would have me carted off to an institution the second he knew. At the very least the mental ward in St. Mungos. "Will you let me see for myself?" he whispered. I looked up at him, tears still streaming down my face and bit my lip. "Please, Lil. If I'm going to help you, I need to know what's going on in there." I nodded my head, instantly feeling anxious over what he was going to find there. "Just think about what they were saying."

The moment he entered my mind I could feel the mantra going round and round my thoughts again.

_Fat stupid ugly worthless bitch. You're such a pathetic person. Liar Lily, you're a liar. Fat stupid ugly worthless bitch. Liar liar. **98, 99, 100, 101, 102, 103 104, 105, 106, 107, 108, 109, 110. Keep going. 111, 112,113,114,115,116,117,118,119,120. You're ruining all your hard work. **He doesn't love you. He just wants you to be fat. _

As that last thought came to me, I broke the eye contact between me and Teddy and shut him out of my mind. Guilt started to seep in through my pores, plaguing my every cell with it's poison. I couldn't bear to look at Teddy's face. I knew it would be full of devastation.

"Is that really what you think?" he said softly, his voice breaking part way through the sentence. Even if I hadn't wanted it to, I could feel my heart break into a thousand more pieces than it already was in. I imagine it to be like glass, being ground up time and time again until it resembles fine sand when it eventually washes away and I'm left with the hollow empty feeling of nothingness that I've been craving for months. Except, I don't want it anymore. I want to be whole again. I want Teddy to stay. How will he ever stay when he knows how fucked up my mind truly is?

I shake my head slowly. "No, _I _don't think that. But the voices, they're there all the time. Making me doubt myself all the time. They used to tell me that you loved it when my bones were showing, because it showed I was strong and delicate. Like a flower. You always said I was your little lily pad. I wanted to be delicate and pretty like a water lily. I was convinced that's what you liked. What you wanted."

I looked up at him, desperate for him to understand. I wanted him to understand. I wanted him to be happy. I wanted to please everyone. I wanted him to notice me. And he did. He noticed me more when I had lost weight, than he ever had before that.

"So what, I caused this?"

Crap. That couldn't have gone worse if I tried. "NO! God no. Teddy, I've been like this for what feels like years. This isn't going to go away in a few days. But you did not give me this. You did not cause it. If I know anything right now, it's that."

Watching his face still cloud with doubt and guilt I crawled onto his lap and wrapped my arms around him tightly. "Teddy please, believe me. You were not the cause of all this. If anything, you kept me grounded for as long as you did. I would have broken down so much sooner if you weren't around. You kept me going even when I didn't want to. I – I don't think I'd even be here if it wasn't for you."

"What about your family? You'd really have killed yourself without the consideration for them?"

I stiffened at that comment. Of course, Al and James were doing their best. Or, at least, Al was. James was coping in his own way; by ignoring the problem, but I knew he loved me. He always told me he loved me. Mum and dad, however, I wasn't so sure about these days. They were ripping me apart at the seams. The lies, the secrets, the guilt, the unhappiness. I didn't understand what was going so wrong with them that they couldn't work it out or admit there was a huge problem. Then again, I guess they would say the same about me.

"I – I would have consideration... but, sometimes... I just. I don't know." I took a long pause before an idea occurred to me. "Teddy?"

"Hm?"

"Could I move into your flat with you?" I looked up at him and saw his skeptic look. "Please? It's just what I need. It's this house, Ted, it's ripping me apart. I can't stay here any longer knowing what I know and not being able to say a damn thing about it. Please, let me out of here and you can watch me all day to make sure I do what I need to. Please?"

He looked puzzled for a moment before I realised what I had said. "What do you mean, knowing what you know and not being able to say anything?"


	8. Chapter 8

**AN: I'm ever so sorry it took so long to get this up! :( I've been having such a busy time lately with studies, recovery, volunteering. I'm trying to find a happy medium. However, I would like to happily report to you all (if you're bothered of course!) that I am doing extreamly well in recovery right now, I'm so much better in terms of my restricting, my binging and purging and my self harming. This was a little reflection of how I felt when I first started recovering, but it gets easier for Lily (as it did for me). As a side note, the book mentioned in this chapter is real and can be purchased on amazon or any other large book retailers :)  
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**As always, please review and let me know what you think and I must remind you to please be respectful of ED's because they are a real issue and do cause a lot of damage. **

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><p>Shit. That was the first thing that came to my mind as soon as I let it slip. Just shit. I gaped for a moment before attempting to backpedal. "Nothing, Look, Ted, please, just let me move in?"<p>

"Not until you tell me what you meant." Double shit.

I looked down at my sandwich that I had been crying over not long ago ad sighed. "Look, Teddy, I'm not quite ready to talk about it. Okay? I will let you in. I promise. Just not now." He looked skeptical for a moment before squeezing his arms around me for a moment.

"You know it would help you right? Take a load off your shoulders."

"Soon. Just... let me come to terms with things on my own time. Please?"

He sighed audibly before nodding his head slowly. "Okay, I'll help you move out tomorrow. Just promise me that if I let you do this, you will try? For me?"

"I promise," I whispered.

It took me two days to get settled at Teddy's house. It took me one week before I began to feel depressed again. By the 9th day, my razors had found their way into my underwear drawer again. I knew hey would be safe there, Teddy trusts me now, he knows I wouldn't do anything to jeopardize living here, especially since it looks like I've been doing well. Sitting down at the table with him, eating everything I could that he put in front of me. Sure I still had meals where I broke down into tears, but to Teddy, that was just normal, the so called progress I had made since coming to live with him far outweighed any setbacks I had around him. The only thing was, he had a condition. His condition being that we wouldn't continue the sexual part of our relationship until he felt I was ready to be seen by him and not feel self conscious or disgusted with my new found weight gain. Because I had been gaining weight. Fast. And I hated it. I hated it more that he knew it. But the upside to this was that he never saw the tiny little cuts I was making almost daily across my hip whilst I was in the shower.

I don't know if I want him to find them or not. Honestly it's making me crazy just thinking about it. I want to do well. For Teddy. But I can only do so much at once.

I stared at the ceiling, or what I could make out of it in the pitch black. It was almost 3am. Teddy still wasn't back from leaving the house at seven this morning for work and it was making me anxious. Anxious enough that I want to cut. Binge. Purge. Count weights. Do crunches. Anything to get my mind off the uneasy feeling rising in my chest. But I couldn't. I couldn't risk him coming home and finding me doing any one of those things. That was the joy of Teddy's house. He could apparate straight into the house. It wasn't like home where there would be a warning crack in the garden that would give me time to get rid of any and all evidence. No. Teddy's arrival was quick and instant. If I was doing something I shouldn't be, he would know about it and it would set me back so much in convincing him that I really was okay.

Swallowing another lump in my throat I sat up and lit my wand softly, making my way from the bed and into the sitting room. Maybe it was the four walls of the bedroom I had been staring at for the past five hours that made me uneasy? Flicking my wand at the lights they flickered to life before I sat down on the mock leather couch and pulled out the book I was reading earlier today; _Perfect; Anorexia and Me. _Teddy didn't think it was good reading material considering it was all about what I was trying to recover from but then I showed him that it was actually about recovery and how everyone around you is affected by anorexia and convinced him that it was helping me come to terms with what I was feeling and ding to others. It was helping me. Ha! More like spurring me on. 

Sometimes I wondered what it would be like if people actually took notice of what was wrong with me. I imagined a strong united support group of people helping me. My parents being at the forefront along with my brothers, my cousins and finally Teddy. I would have thought that Teddy would come at it completely medically and do what he had to in order to make me recover. In reality, his emotions were more involved that any of us would have thought. He trained as a medi-wizard. Usually that meant detaching emotions from medical advice. But the reality of it was, he was completely selfishly driven to make me recover. Mum and dad still haven't noticed anything is wrong with me, my brothers are acting as though they don't need to help me because Teddy has it covered and my cousins... well, I think they think it's better to stay away. Except Lucy. Lucy seems to think that she has somehow won. Because no one knows about her. no one is forcing her to get better. Just me. She thinks she's the better anorexic. She doesn't realise that I'm still going to beat her. it may just take me a little longer now that I'm under a watchful eye. I think she's right. But I have something she doesn't. I have someone who cares. Hates me. 

**Stupid girl. Of course he hates you. He's making you fatter! **

_Moaning. Heavy moaning. I should really find dad. Banging, like wood against a wall. His office is just around this corner. So much moaning. I shouldn't be listening to this, what people do with each other is none of my business. Surely dad should stop whatever is going on down the corridor from him! _

I stared at the page in front of me, not really comprehending the words or even hearing the sharp crack that echoed around the apartment, signalling Teddy's arrival home, finally.

_I rounded the corner, just as I was about to open my mouth before I saw them. Bent over the desk, skirt hiked up to her waist, dad behind her, clearly in the middle of climax. I felt the numbness seep through me, almost as if my heart had begun pumping ice cold water into my veins. Tears seeped out but I didn't notice them, I just knew that I had to leave. I didn't see what I saw. I couldn't have. _

"Lily? What're you still doing up?" Teddy asked softly, coming to kneel in front of me on the floor. I just stared at him in a kind of numb horror for a moment before he kissed my hand, pulling me from the horrifying memory that would forever be buried deep into my brain.

"Uhm... I was...waiting for you. I was getting worried."

Teddy smiled softly, his features softening towards me. "I'm sorry sweetheart, I got held up with paper work and then an emergency call out for forensics stuff. C'mon, how about we get to bed and cuddle up for the night? I have a day off tomorrow so we can spend the day doing whatever you want. I promise." He smiled his sweet smile and I felt as though my heart would burst with happiness. It was the little things like that that dulled the voice going around and around in my head constantly.

"Anything?"

Teddy nodded. I smiled and stood up with him, allowing him to pull me back to our room where he promptly stripped off and crawled into the centre of the bed, pulling me towards him and wrapping his arms around my tiny frame. **It won't be tiny if you keep letting him fatten you up! **He kissed me on the forehead before tucking me into his chest and promptly falling asleep from exhaustion. I followed soon after feeling the weight of his arms around me pull me under into a dreamless sleep.


	9. Chapter 9

**AN; To the anon that reviewed this saying they were having problems with eating disorders, i beg of you to seek help if you are not already doing so. You are not worthless, no one is worthless. Please please please seek help. I have been there at the high weight with a serious eating problem and unless it's caught now it will manifest into something terrible.  
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**That said, I really shouldn't lecture when i've had a bad week of my own... but hey ho, that's why i'm writing right? to give myself some therapy for this kind of thing! **

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><p>There is no better feeling in the world than that of being kissed awake by the person you love. There isn't even that little voice in the back of your head screaming morning breath at you, because you know, if it bothered him, he wouldn't be kissing you. Although, you are reminded when he pulls back, wrinkling his nose slightly to tease you, you still don't care because he is joking. And when Teddy does this, I simply give him a light shove and giggle softly in his direction. Looking at the bedside table I noticed that Teddy had been busy this morning indeed. Sat on a wooden tray was coffee from my favourite cafe around the corner, a bowl of granola and milk, a glass of orange juice and a lily flower sitting in a small vase with water in the bottom. I looked over at Teddy in confusion. I've not been brought breakfast in bed in a long time... and since moving in, he hasn't let me eat anything less than three bowls of food I a morning to make my weight come back. <strong><span>To fatten me up. <span>**

Teddy smiled at me before giving me another peck on the forehead. "Today is about you. I'm not going to force food down you, your disorder doesn't exist. Today, it's all about me and you." I felt tears well in my eyes as he said this and threw my arms around his neck to show my gratitude.

"Thankyou."

Teddy smiled and wrapped his arms around me in return. "You're welcome. Now," he said as he placed the tray over my lap so I could eat my light breakfast. "Have you decided what you want to do today?"

My face feels hot as I think exactly what I want to do to him in the course of the day... convincing Teddy, however, will not be as easy. I bit my lip as I looked up at him, dragging the spoon through my cereal nervously, not meeting his eye. He seems to catch on to what I'm thinking though as he immediately shakes his head. "No, not until you're better. We discussed this already."

"I thought you said my disorder wasn't there today?"

Teddy sighs and takes my hands in his. "Lily, I imposed that rule for a reason, not for me, for you. I want to motivate you to get better. You clearly miss the intimacy of us, so just show me that you can do this. That you can overcome this. I want you to get better because it benefits you. Even if you can't see it right now, I'm doing it for you."

I sigh loudly before beginning to eat my cereal, not saying another word until my bowl is clear, bear a few dregs of milk in the bottom. I down the cup of orange juice and make a start on the coffee before turning back to him. "You have no idea how much I love you. I'm doing this for you. I want to get better for you. But you're not giving me motivation by withholding sex, Ted. You're punishing me because I got into it in the first place. You're scared, I get it, but you're not helping, you're hurting. Just think about that next time you say no." With that I stand up and make my way to the bathroom, locking the door and turning on the shower before stripping down as steam rolls out of the top.

I look in the mirror and scrutinize the way my flesh is filling out again. It's noticeable when I gain a few pounds because I was so tiny to begin with. All I can feel is the huge yellow and red flecked globs sticking to every inch of my body. But I don't purge my breakfast, I don't reach to snap the razor to detach the blade, I don't reach for the pills in the cabinet because Teddy trusts me. He wants me to get better, and I want him to stop punishing both him and me for something that went wrong in my screwed up head. I want him to think I am getting better. Even if I'm not. He has to think I am.

Because I wasn't sick. I was strong. And Teddy wants me to break down. My family wants me to break down. Lucy wants to win, my dad wants me to take his secret to the grave, mum wants me to stop lying because she knows I am, my brothers want me to stop proving I am better than them and Teddy wants me to be fat because he liked it better when he was the one in control.

[_fat:stupid:lying:bitch]_

Teddy still didn't indulge me on the sex scene when I got out of the shower, freshly dried by very naked. Instead we spent the day cuddled together on the couch watching the muggle TV set that he for some reason owned. When it came time for bed he tucked me in, cuddled beside me and whispered his goodnights. I lay there with the intense urge to scream at all the frustration running through my body. But I had to remind myself that Teddy has to think he is in control. He has to think I'm getting better. Getting up to exercise or cut or purge would be counter productive. Right now I just had to stay laying there in his arms and think of happier things.

All that comes to mind is dad.

_Moaning. Breathing. Yelling. Cursing. Moaning. Lying. So much lying. YOU'RE A LIAR LILY! _

Taking a deep breath I squeeze my eye shut, making the tiny little crystal tears stay in their confinements of my lids. I can't take this anymore. I can't keep lying to everyone. I can't keep the secret anymore. It's killing mum, it's letting dad get away with it, it's ripping apart our family and it's destroying me. It's destroying me from the inside out. I can't stop thinking about it, hearing what I heard in my head, dreaming of what I saw, replaying the moment I started lying for him, the moment mum fell apart over yet another cold dinner he didn't come home to. I can't handle the images anymore.

I have to tell someone. I have to tell mum... I have to get it out of my system. It's suffocating carrying the weight of the lies upon my shoulders, it's hard to stand up tall when my back is breaking under the weight of the disappointment and lies.

I need to tell someone.

_Moaning. Breathing. Lying. Shouting. Lying. Moaning. Lying. Breathing. Lying. Cursing. Lying. Stop. Fucking. Lying. _

I grab my head and screams of frustration fall unwilling from my lips and I rest my head upon my bent knees, my fingers pulling at the strands of my hair. Teddy is awake in a flash, trying to calm me down. I feel him pull my hands out of my hair, and turning my face towards him.

"Lily, what's wrong?"

I look deep into his eyes. I can't lie anymore, I can't. It's time to tell him. It's time to get past the heavy feeling weighing me down. Who knows, I may be lighter after this confession after all...

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><p><strong>AN; leave me reviews to come back to yeah? :)<strong>


	10. Chapter 10

**AN; well, since i'm procrastinating my essays pretty hard I thought I would give you all a treat :) second update within two weeks, when was the last time that happened? :P **

**I'm going to explain this chapter before you read it because i think you're going to think it's incredibly out of character for Lily, however, if any of you have lived it you will understand exactly how in character it actually is. This was literally a defining moment on my way to recovery, obviously it didn't happen exactly like this, but everything Lily thinks and does in this chapter is exactly how I reacted to something that was on the verge of breaking me. And sometimes, we sit there and realise just how stupid we were. Not every anorexic doesn't know where their problems began, I knew mine and I knew what fed it, I also knew exactly what i had to do to stop it. This was Lily's moment of clarity and I really hope you enjoy it. **

**Warnings; Highly triggering! you have been warned!  
><strong>

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><p>I open my mouth to say something to him, except I can't get anything out. It's as if the truth is unwilling to come out after all this time buried deep within me. And suddenly I feel the sense of control I've kept throughout everything start to slip away. If I tell Teddy this secret, everything will be different. I won't have the control to keep my parents together, i already lost the control of how little I eat, I have lost the control over what I do with my body, that's now Teddy's. Can I give him this to control too?<p>

The room suddenly seems tiny, suffocating, claustrophobic. I have to get out of the room, I have to move. I have to leave. I can't stay here any longer. I rip my face out of Teddy's hands and scramble as fast as I can to the door. Wrenching it open I run to the kitchen area and pull open the fridge door, pulling out the left over pizza in there, meat be damned, and shove it into my mouth slice by slice. I can hear Teddy's voice calling to me from far away but I can't bring myself to care enough for what he has to say, instead opening the cupboard, taking out the chocolate biscuits and pushing them past my lips, not even stopping to chew before swallowing them. I have to establish control. I can't bear the thought of losing anything else.

I feel hands upon my arms, but I can't stop now, pushing him back I continue cramming biscuits and chocolate into my mouth **_like the fat little bitch I am. _**It's so hard to stop. Thousands upon thousands of calories pass my lips within seconds. I don't even realise the tears running down my face one at a time like little streams of diamonds, glittering under the harsh light of the kitchen. I feel sick, I can practically feel the bile rising up from my stomach, but I push it down with crisps, their sharp corners scratching my throat on the way down where I failed to chew. I can't even bear to look at Teddy, what must he think of my display of total self destruction? But I can't stop myself. I have to keep cramming food. He can't control what I eat right now, he isn't trying to. I'm eating right? There isn't a problem. **_Except that the fat is sticking to me in every little nook and cranny of my body. _**

I can feel my heart hurting, it's being worked too hard. My lungs aren't providing enough oxygen, I can't breathe properly through the sobs or between bites. I can feel myself start to shake and suddenly my legs can't hold me up anymore. I'm sliding down the cupboard behind me, landing on the floor, sobbing with my arms at my sides, limp and lifeless and my head thrown back against the door. I can feel the despair running through my veins, the shame and humiliation freezing my arteries. My stomach hurts to the point that all I can think to do is curl in on myself, making myself as small as possible, my arms around my knees and my head resting upon them.

_Stupid fat bitch. After everything you've worked for! What the fuck do you think you're doing! You should be ashamed of yourself! No wonder your father is never home, a fuck up of a daughter like you!_

My tiny shaking form is suddenly enveloped in strong steady arms and pulled towards a warm comforting body. I turn my head and bury it into Teddy's chest, relishing in the fact that he hasn't turned away disgusted. "Shh, you're okay. It's okay. I promise, everything is going to be okay." His quiet mantra carries on for a while before my sobs finally die down. But I still stay cradled in his arms like a child because I can't think of anywhere else I could be right now. I can't face him but he can't leave me either, else I may just crumble away into nothing. When I finally stop shaking and my hiccups subside I fell a firm but loving kiss on the top of my head. "I love you so much, I wish you could see what I see." I closed my eyes feeling truly horrible. He thinks I did it out of self hate. Or perhaps hate for him or the situation? Regardless, he doesn't understand my need for control when everything else around is crumbling I have to keep myself standing. If I crumble, everything else will dissipate in the wind.

I shake my head at him. "Yes I do, Lil. You need to see yourself in a different light."

"No, I mean, that isn't... it's not..." I struggle to find words. How can I tell him that I can't lose control without losing control?

I feel his arms tighten around me and his head dips so that it's close to my ear. "Lily, please, let me in. Trust me." Trust him. That sounds so easy. Trust him to catch me when I fall. Can I truly trust him to stop me from hitting the ground and shattering into a million pieces.

"Promise you won't let me fall?"

He tenses slightly before nodding. "I promise, I'll always catch you."

I feel the bile rising in my throat again. I can't tell if it's nerves, reflex or the fact that I have eaten far too much. Perhaps a combination of the three? _You should let it come out, fat bitch. At least then you wouldn't have to talk. _I take a deep shuddering breath and force it back down again. I need to do this. I need to do it for Teddy, for me. I need to recover for us. I need to lose control. I need to stop feeling like this. I need to stop feeling that earth shaking, shattering feeling of despair whenever things out of my control happen. Things happen and I can't control everything. And in order to be okay with that, I need to lose control of everything I can control. And I can control what I tell Teddy.

"When did you first realise something was wrong with me?" I asked slowly, closing my eyes, unable to see his face when I let everything go.

"Honestly, I haven't known for long. The first time I really notice was when I first felt your spine during one of our... sessions." I nodded slowly, silently congratulating myself on hiding it from him of all people for so long, but then mentally shaking myself. That isn't a good thing, it's caused him more pain that I could have imagined at the time and that makes me feel disgusted with myself. "But, thinking about it, I saw the signs earlier, I just didn't at upon them. Like when you announced you were a vegan or when you started avoiding meal times with your family, saying you were busy and wanted to eat alone."

I shook my head, "there is more to that than simple anorexia. I didn't want to be around my mum, watching her looking at the clock constantly, plating up a dish for dad, even though she knew he wasn't going to come home. I couldn't watch the tears in her eyes as she scraped it into the bin at the end of the meal. I just... I couldn't watch her slowly die inside as dad wasn't ever around anymore."

Teddy pulled my away from his chest, gently by the shoulders and looked me in the eye. I hadn't realised the tears that has caused little train tracks down his cheeks, or the red blotchy patches of skin or puffy eyes, tell tale signs of crying. I could see he was struggling to understand where this was going so, after taking another deep breath I looked down at my lap, where his hand had intertwined with mine began fiddling with his fingers as I carried on my confession.

"Mum sent me to look for him one night, she was pretty fed up of him not coming home. So I went to his office to look for him and... " Taking a deep breath to steady my nerves I carried on in a whisper. "I found him having sex with one of his colleagues over his desk." I couldn't look Teddy in the eye after I had said it and I couldn't think about even carrying on. I had said my bit, it was time for him to fill in the blanks.

"He made you keep it a secret?" Teddy whispered, realisation seeping into his voice. I nodded unable to go on. "And you blamed yourself for your mum's misery? That's when it started?"

I nodded again. "I thought that it was because of us. I thought that if I could be perfect dad would be proud of me again and he would come back... by the time I realised it wasn't the case I was too far in." Teddy's arms wrapped around me again, holding me tight to his chest. One hand held mine whilst the other ran through my hair in the comforting way that mothers do with their children after a nightmare. And I suppose it's fitting because that's what I'm living. A nightmare.

"Lily, none of this is your fault. You are perfect your dad... he just can't see how wonderful and special you all are. Maybe he won't again, but I swear to you that I will never not see or tell you how special you are. To me, your mum, your brothers, the rest of your family, even your dad knows it. You are perfect in our eyes, no matter what age, weight, test score, job you have. To us you are infinitely perfect, no matter what."

And just like that, he caught me.

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><p><strong>AN: reviewsmessages/encouragement would be good :) I found it incredibly hard to write this chapter and now you can see why.**


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